WoodWeek – 15 April 2015

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Greetings from your WoodWeek news team.
A wide range of stories this week from an ANZAC forestry connection, to managing risks in day-to-day harvesting businesses, to freshwater crayfish coming out of the forest. Yes, a real mix.

Descendants of the Gallipoli Peninsula’s Lone Pine have been dispatched from Rotorua for planting at events around the country associated with ANZAC Day centenary commemorations. About 50 two-year old seedlings of this special tree were propagated by Scion at its research nursery in Rotorua and gifted to RSAs nationwide.

The Forest Industry Contractors Association (FICA) will be running a series of workshops on Managing Risk. The first workshop will take place on Thursday 7 May 2015 in Gisborne. Registrations are open now.

Anyone from logging contractors, to silviculture contractors to log cartage contractors would benefit from these workshops. You can expect to get interactive learning from the examples being discussed for your benefit, as well as tools to take back to your own company. Garth Beker from Beker Findlay Allan will be leading these workshops, along with key speakers from TLC, Vero and UDC Finance and a presentation on the new SafeTree tools and resources website.

New Forests, a forestry investment manager operating in the Asia Pacific and the United States, has issued its 2014 Sustainability Report. The report aims to provide transparent and accurate information about the company’s progress and performance in the areas of sustainability and responsible investment, an approach that takes account of the material relevance of environmental, social, and governance (ESG) factors in investment management.

Finally, last week, British Columbia’s most powerful politicians stood up for forest contractors and their rural communities by announcing a $1,000,000 top up to the Forestry Service Providers Compensation Fund.

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Lone Pine trees ready for centenary

Descendants of the Gallipoli Peninsula’s Lone Pine have left Scion for destinations around New Zealand for planting at events associated with ANZAC Day centenary commemorations.

About 50 two-year old seedlings of this special tree were propagated by Scion at its research nursery in Rotorua and gifted to RSAs nationwide.

The seeds were collected in 2012 from the Turkish red pine (Pinus brutia) growing at Paeroa Golf Course. This tree is an authenticated New Zealand descendant of the original Lone Pine and traces back to a pine cone brought home by Australian soldier Sergeant Keith McDowell after World War 1.

Scion scientist Toby Stovold who collected the seeds and helped raise the seedlings said he first got involved in 2009 when approached by the Hawke’s Bay Regional Council wanting to donate seedlings from the Paeroa tree to RSAs in the region.

“From the 2012 seed collection we have raised close to 50 seedlings that we have been able to donate for commemorative plantings this year,” said Toby.

RSAs around the country from Waiuku to Invercargill have taken up Scion’s offer to include a seedling in their ANZAC Day commemoration ceremonies. Seedlings have also gone to the National Army Museum in Waiouru for a memorial garden. Another seedling will be planted in Christchurch’s Park of Remembrance on Poppy Day.

In Rotorua, the home of Scion, a seedling will be planted in the Government Gardens at an evening ceremony on 23 April to consecrate Rotorua’s Field of Remembrance, which will be in place from 23 – 28 April.

Scion General Manager of Forest Science Brian Richardson said Scion was uniquely placed to make this meaningful contribution to the 100th anniversary of the Gallipoli campaign.

“I am humbled by the loyalty and sacrifice of all those who have served for our country, and am very proud that Scion can gift these trees as a living memorial to honour our veterans and their descendants.

Source: Rotorua Daily Post

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New Forests issues sustainability report

New Forests, a forestry investment manager operating in the Asia Pacific and the United States, has issued its 2014 Sustainability Report. The report aims to provide transparent and accurate information about the company’s progress and performance in the areas of sustainability and responsible investment, an approach that takes account of the material relevance of environmental, social, and governance (ESG) factors in investment management.

“The New Forests 2014 Sustainability Report reflects our mission as a business to generate excellent returns for our clients while also creating positive and lasting benefits to the communities and landscapes in which we invest,” said CEO David Brand. “Increasing investment in real assets by institutional investors requires that managers like New Forests demonstrate shared value for our clients, the communities where we operate, and the environment.”

The publication of the report marks New Forests’ third public sustainability report. Along with a discussion of ESG issues facing the business and New Forests’ investments, the report includes social and environmental impact reporting using both case studies and standardised metrics from the Impacting Reporting & Investment Standards (IRIS) program.

“New Forests has begun using new metrics to report on social and environmental management in an effort to enhance transparency and accountability,” said MaryKate Hanlon, Sustainability Manager. “We believe our commitment to ESG reporting and public disclosure is unique among forestry investment firms. We are proud of the significant achievements we’ve made to date, and by reporting publicly we set the stage to demonstrate further progress on ambitious goals as our business evolves and grows.”

With more than 615,000 hectares in assets under management, New Forests manages 395,000 hectares of certified plantation forests as well as wetland and stream mitigation banks and forest carbon offset projects. The report describes the environmental achievements across New Forests’ estate – including 113 kilometres of stream restoration, more than 50,000 hectares of protected areas, and more than 57,000 hectares managed for ecological restoration. Community benefits and ongoing initiatives are also discussed, such as the launch of a community engagement program in Southeast Asia and collaborations with Native American tribes to develop improved forest management projects for the California carbon market.

Along with the release of the 2014 Sustainability Report, New Forests has also announced its new Responsible Investment Policy. The policy sets New Forests’ requirements for integration of ESG considerations into its investment programs. New Forests embraces this approach to responsible investment in order to lower risk and support stable investment returns, but also because innovative approaches to forest and land management can add value to investments.

“Our new Responsible Investment Policy is a reflection of New Forests’ ambition to create shared value and strong investment results by managing ESG-related risks and opportunities,” said David Brand. “With this new policy, New Forests will continue to grow our business as a leading responsible investor specialising in forestry and conservation investments.”

New Forests’ 2014 Sustainability Report and Responsible Investment Policy can be viewed on the company’s website.

2014 Sustainability Report

Responsible Investment Policy

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Managing Risk Workshops

The Forest Industry Contractors Association (FICA) will be running a series of workshops on Managing Risk. The first workshop will take place on Thursday 7 May 2015 in Gisborne.

Garth Beker from Beker Findlay Allan will be leading these workshops, along with key speakers from TLC, Vero and UDC Finance and a presentation from SafeTree.

Garth specialises in the business of forestry, business systems, tenders, costings, pricing a proposal and the emissions trading scheme. He does evaluations of forest investment options, and forest industry contracts. Garth is also experienced in road transport contracting, information systems and driver management.

Anyone from logging contractors, to silviculture contractors to log cartage contractors would benefit from these workshops. You can expect to get interactive learning from the examples being discussed for your benefit, as well as tools to take back to your own company.

Included in the topics covered over the day will be market risk, forest demographics, geographic location, business management, insurance risks and risk through the eyes of a finance company.

Registrations are open now so make the most of this opportunity and register today. Call the FICA office on 07 921 1382 or download the flyer and registration form here.

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Global sawlog index update

Sawlog prices declined in many countries during 2014 and the GSPI price index in the 4Q/14 was at the lowest level in two years, reports the Wood Resource Quarterly

Sawlog prices were generally lower throughout the world both in the local currencies and in US dollar terms in the 4Q/14 as compared to earlier in the year. The Global Sawlog Price Index (GSPI) fell for the third consecutive quarter to $83.12/m3, which was down 2.6 % from the previous quarter and 6.3% lower than the same quarter in 2013, according to the Wood Resource Quarterly (WRQ). The GSPI is currently at the lowest level in two years.

Over the past year, sawlog prices have fallen the most in Northern and Central Europe in US dollar terms, predominantly as a result of a weakening Euro. Domestic log price also declined in Latin America and Oceania. The only continent where prices did not decline was North America, where healthy US domestic lumber demand and respectable export volumes from both the US and Canada kept consumption of logs as high as in 2013.

The west coast of the US, British Columbia and New Zealand have expanded log and lumber exports to China quite substantially over the past few years, and these are also the regions that currently have the highest sawlog prices as compared to their respective ten-year averages. In the northwestern US, there has been a steady increase in log costs since 2009 and the 4Q/14 prices for Douglas-fir and hemlock sawlogs were 25% higher than their ten-year averages.

On the other end of the spectrum are Russia and Brazil, two regions that currently have substantially lower sawlog prices as compared to the average for the period 2005-2014. For both countries, prices have fallen because of a stronger dollar. In their local currencies, current prices are actually higher than the average price over the past decade.

Countries that had the highest and lowest domestic sawlog costs in the 4Q/14 as compared to the average costs for the past ten years were:

4Q/14 higher then 10 y avg 4Q/14 lower than 10 y avg US, Northwest (+25%) Sweden (-4%) New Zealand (+21%) Finland (-6%) Canada, West (+19%) Canada, East (-8%) Latvia (+14%) Brazil (-17%) Estonia (+12%) Russia, NW (-31%) In its latest issue, the WRQ reported that sawmills in Central Europe had some of the highest wood raw-material costs in the world in the 4Q/14, while sawmills in Russia and Latin America enjoyed quite competitive wood costs.

Global lumber, sawlog and pulpwood market reporting is included in the 52-page quarterly publication Wood Resource Quarterly (WRQ). The report, which was established in 1988 and has subscribers in over 30 countries, tracks sawlog, pulpwood, lumber and pellet prices, trade and market developments in most key regions around the world.

Source: Wood Resources International

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Crayfish: Fresh from the forest

A fledgling industry is being developed in Otago-Southland with the development of a freshwater crayfish (koura) farming operation by forestry company Ernslaw One, as agribusiness business reporter Sally Rae reports.

John Hollows reckons he has a dream job.

'It's an opportunity of a lifetime,' Mr Hollows said, referring to his role as aquaculture manager for Keewai, a new business that has stemmed from a forestry company's decision to diversify into freshwater crayfish (koura) farming.

Ernslaw One is utilising fire ponds in its forests, spread throughout Otago and Southland, to provide an additional revenue stream and Mr Hollows believed there was potential for 'quite a big industry' to result from the initiative.

While it is still largely in the development stage, permits have been secured to farm and sell the crayfish under the brand name Keewai, and 11 forests have been registered as fish farms.

The first sales were expected next year, targeting the domestic market initially to get processes in place.

Export would then follow, probably beginning with Asia.

Mr Hollows, who was previously an environmental officer at Fish and Game, said while some people had farmed freshwater crayfish previously, it had mostly been 'more hobby stuff' and he believed the company was the first to 'put some scale in it'.

He did his thesis on freshwater crayfish and always thought farming them could be done but it required scale.

Over the past three years, he had enjoyed the challenge of working through pond development and looking how to make the ponds more attractive to the crayfish, getting permits, working through food safety, and also branding.

He had also spent a lot of time in the field and, last summer, dived into 50-odd ponds - ending up with pneumonia - while trying to see what made the crayfish 'tick'.

Approaching the stage of organising the first sales was 'pretty special', he said.

Each year, Keewai would steadily increase what it produced and, long term, it expected to produce between eight and 10 tonnes from Otago-Southland.

It would take about 2000 ponds to get that volume, he said.

Existing ponds were being used and a 'heap more' had been dug out.

Three years ago, there were 300 of them and now there were 1100 and the company was 'still digging'.

Describing koura as a high-end niche product, Mr Hollows said the story behind it was also 'pretty sharp'.

At a time when people were looking for healthier options and 'cleaner, greener' food, there were no pesticides, chemicals or feeding involved, and there was nothing artificial in the water.

'It's a really natural product. As far as New Zealand Inc. goes, I think this is the best one. There's nothing bad in there.'

The Government was looking at land-based aquaculture and increasing revenue from productive land, while it was not interfering with Ernslaw One's forestry operations.

As well as providing additional revenue for the company, it would also create employment opportunities.

At the moment, Mr Hollows was full-time and there were also three part-time employees, as well as contractors.

Another bonus was that the crayfish were quite sensitive to environmental pollution, so if they were growing in a forest, it meant the environment was in good shape - 'a bit like a canary in a mine shaft', he said.

The 'environmental tick' was also important, especially as overseas markets were looking at where trees came from and what was happening with forests.

The majority of Keewai's brood stock came from within Ernslaw One's forests.

They would live a 'quiet life' and it would be their offspring that were sold.

They were slow growing in the South, which he believed 'adds to the flavour', taking three to four years to get to a saleable size.

The crayfish were challenging species to handle, as they were quite aggressive and cannibalistic.

'They don't play nicely together,' Mr Hollows quipped.

A Sustainable Farming Fund grant of $120,000, over three years, had helped with some more in-depth scientific research on ponds.

A 'really good group' of people were involved in a working group, which included representatives from the University of Otago, Fish and Game, Ngai Tahu and other forestry companies.

There had only been positive comments and everyone involved was excited about it, he said.

It was about proving the business first in Otago and Southland, before looking at spreading it further.

He believed other forestry companies and large landowners might also look at it and it was 'very exciting times'.

Source: Otago Daily Times

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Government increases fund for contractors

Last week, British Columbia Premier Christy Clark and Minister Steve Thomson, Ministry of Forests, Lands and Natural Resource Operations, stood up for forest contractors and the communities they live in when they announced a $1,000,000 top up to the Forestry Service Providers Compensation Fund.

“This is another step towards fortifying conditions for contractor sustainability,” said Don Banasky, TLA President. Forest contractors run small, locally owned businesses that create jobs throughout BC’s rural communities. When these companies are left in the lurch by a tenure holder that becomes insolvent, the whole community suffers. “We’ve seen this happen more than once,” said Banasky. “And we know that the ripples are felt throughout our communities.”

“There is a demonstrated need for this Fund,” said David Elstone, TLA Executive Director. “Since it came online in 2013 there have been four claims processed.” This contribution of $1,000,000 increases the Fund beyond the original $5 million granted by the government. “But more than that,” said Elstone, “It shows the government values the role forest contractors play in BC’s rural communities.”

“By their actions, we know Premier Clark and her government understand that forest contractors are the economic backbone of BC’s rural communities and values the jobs our members create,” said Elstone. “While we look forward to the future when eventually the Fund will have an ongoing replenishment mechanism, I can’t thank Premier Clark and the Minister Thomson enough for working hard to support the forest contractors of BC.”

The TLA (Truck Loggers Association) represents over 450 independent forest contractors and their suppliers operating on the coast of British Columbia. Our membership supports thousands of workers and, along with other independent contractors, accounts for close to 90 per cent of the trees harvested on the coast. The TLA promotes a thriving, sustainable coastal forest industry in BC.

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Australia considers USA bushfire mitigation trials

Mechanical removal of trees to reduce bushfire risk; could America's $400 million program work in Australia?

A Californian Fire Science Professor says America's $400 million bushfire prevention program, which combines mechanical removal of trees with planned burning, would be applicable in Australia, but could take decades to reduce risk.

The Australian Government has dedicated $1.5 million to trials, where machinery will be used to remove bushfire fuel in public bushland, like undergrowth and small trees, which will then be turned into useful products.

Planned burning schemes will not be reduced, meaning the mechanical methods require funding that has not existed in the Federal Budget before.

United States taxpayers are fully funding their program but American Professor Scott Stephens said about 40 per cent of the cost of implementing the program is covered by repurposing the cleared timber.

"The first use is for saw products, [from trees that are] maybe 25 centimetres in diameter or larger," he said.

"The biggest second use is for co-generation for electricity.

"There are also some other materials, things like bark and mulches for landscaping; without those forestry industry partners a lot of the work, certainly mechanically, you could never do."

The program has been running for about five years and Professor Stephens concedes real results could take up to 30 years.

"The problem is such a phenomenally big one and also one that people really are connected to," he said.

"I do believe we can turn the page and move but to be honest with you we haven't done it yet.

"If you look at the rates that we're doing right now, we probably have to go five to 10 times more area per year to really make a difference."

Professor Stephens said "public perception and politics" were the biggest barriers to progress.

"Trying to do manipulation to the forest is somehow always going to be thought of in a bad context, that somehow you're changing it, you're degrading it," he said.

"But we're having enormous fires that are causing great change … and research over here has shown, pretty conclusively, that mechanical methods are not causing ecological harm.

"They're actually doing some real ecological work and sometimes doing things economically."


Source: ABC Rural

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Ocean Freight Index

The Baltic Supramax Index (BSI) closed yesterday at 608 points, an increase of 2 points (or 0.3%) since March.

The BSI (Baltic Supramax Index), published by the Baltic Exchange, is the weighted average on 5 major time-charter routes. It is based on a 52,454 mt bulk carrier carrying commodities such as timber.

Source: Capital Link Shipping

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'Back to the Future' for new consulting firm

“It’s back to the future in many ways” Rob de Fégely stated at the launch of trading for new forest industry consulting firm Margules Groome Consulting.

“Many will remember the two pioneers of forestry consulting in Australia and New Zealand, Ray Margules and John Groome after whom the company is named” Mr de Fégely said.

Margules Groome is founded on the holistic principles that both Ray and John used in managing forests and trees to optimise the economic, social and environmental values they provide.

In fitting ANZAC tradition, the new company is equally owned by its New Zealand and Australian directors. Margules Groome will offer an array of services to the forestry sector in Australia, New Zealand and the broader Asia-Pacific. This will include Corporate Finance, Strategy and Sustainability, Market Analysis, Operations Improvement and Technical Solutions services.

With regard to technical solutions and in a further spirit of traditional co-operation, Margules Groome has formed an alliance with leading industry software developer Remsoft. The company is recognized globally for sustainable land management and planning. “We will shortly announce more about the alliance” said Mr de Fégely.

Mr de Fégely joined Ray Margules consulting business 35 years ago in March 1980 and mentioned that he was not only honoured to have worked for Ray and subsequently John but to be joining such a skilled and experienced group of forestry practitioners, who will bring fresh and innovative ideas to the Asia Pacific forest industry. Skills and services that are founded on the strong fundamentals of forest science and the consulting philosophy espoused by these early pioneers, Mr de Fégely said.

Both John and Ray showed considerable foresight to develop their companies in the 1960’s when forestry outsourcing was virtually unknown and despite the many changes over the last 50 years their business concept of contract service delivery has endured.

Ray focused on a landscape management approach to forest management believing that an integrated, rather than a tenure based approach to forest management, would yield the best community outcomes. John Groome believed maximising recovery from harvested trees was a key to economic success. He was also an avid supporter of engineered wood panels and instrumental in the establishment of some of the early Laminated Veneer Lumber plants.

Margules Groome commenced operations from offices in Auckland, Rotorua, Melbourne and Shanghai on 1st of April and contacts can found on www.margulesgroome.com

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Planted forest comparison


JAPAN: According to the international statistics agencies, 68.5% or about 24,979,000 ha of Japan is forested. Of this 19.0% ( 4,747,000 ) is classified as primary forest, the most biodiverse and carbon-dense form of forest. Japan has about 10,326,000 ha of planted forest.
(Source: UN FAO)

In Chile, plantation forests cover 2.3 million ha, of which 63 percent is radiata pine; most of the remainder is made up of eucalypts.

In Australia, plantation forests cover 2 million ha, of which half are softwood plantations. Radiata pine plantations cover 773 000 ha; it is the main softwood species, accounting for three-quarters of the softwood plantation estate.

New Zealand's planted forests resource covers 1.8 million hectares.

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Canadians on US mill buying spree

At first blush, year-end financials and stock prices for BC’s largest forest companies would suggest the province’s forestry sector is well on the road to recovery after a decade-long slump.

Interfor, for example, posted record sales of $1.4 billion in 2014 and record production of 2.2 billion board feet.

Stock values and market caps of BC’s three largest forestry companies – Interfor, Canfor and West Fraser Timber – have soared since the end of 2011.

Canfor’s share prices have increased almost 180%, West Fraser’s more than 220% and Interfor’s a whopping 410% since the end of 2011. Based on market cap ($6 billion), West Fraser is now BC’s seventh-largest publicly traded company.

But that increase in production and stock value is largely attributable to recent acquisitions of sawmills in the U.S., not to a boom in their B.C. operations. In fact, Canfor and Interfor have both closed mills in BC in recent years.

Warmer winters that led to a massive die-off of pine from the mountain pine beetle infestation are largely to blame.

BC’s largest forestry company, West Fraser, now owns 15 American sawmills, compared with just seven in B.C. and five in Alberta. About 36% of its shipments of lumber now come from its U.S. mills, said Rodger Hutchinson, West Fraser’s vice-president of investor relations.

Interfor owns five sawmills in BC, nine in the U.S. and will add another four U.S. mills this year. About 43% of Interfor’s current production capacity is in B.C., 57% in the U.S.

Canfor owns 12 sawmills in BC, one in Alberta and 10 in the US. It also owns four pulp mills in BC, one wood bioenergy plant in Alberta and one in B.C.

While B.C. companies were buying up mills in the US, they were closing or selling mills in BC West Fraser’s BC head count has dropped from 3,700 in 2009 to 3,100 today, thanks largely to closures of its Houston sawmill and Eurocan paper mill in Kitimat. Last year, Canfor permanently closed its Quesnel sawmill and earlier closed oriented-strand-board and plywood mills in Fort Nelson.

The U.S. acquisitions come down largely to log supply. In B.C., it’s shrinking – thanks to a mountain pine beetle infestation that wiped out roughly 60% of B.C.’s merchantable timber, reducing the provincial annual allowable cut by 20% – whereas in the U.S., there is a substantial undercut, thanks to a prolonged recession and a steep drop in new housing starts.

“You have contracting supply in BC; you have growing supply for logs in the U.S. South,” said Martin Juravsky, Interfor’s senior vice-president of corporate development and strategy. “The cost of log supply in the U.S. South is more attractive than it is in Canada right now.”

West Fraser bought its first two American mills in 2000; since then it has bought another 13.

“We could see back then the challenges that BC would have with the mountain pine beetle,” Hutchinson said, “although we never … thought it would be as extensive as what it’s turned out to be in terms of the damage.”

However, there are other advantages to owning American sawmills than just access to a good log supply: lower shipping costs, for one, because the lumber is closer to buyers. (The U.S. is still the largest market for BC lumber.)

Owning American mills could also be a hedge against tariffs that could be levied after the current softwood lumber agreement expires later this year.

Building a bridge over troubled housing waters on the backs of mountain pine beetles

Ironically, the mountain pine beetle infestation helped the BC forest industry bridge one of the worst downturns in its history.

As new housing starts plummeted in the U.S. during the subprime mortgage meltdown and recession, a new market for junk wood was created in China, which bought beetle-kill lumber in large volumes, mostly for construction framing.

In other words, the BC forestry sector managed to build a lifeboat made of beetle-kill wood. But that timber supply has run out, and the industry now faces decades of constrained timber supplies in BC, which has begun to drive up costs of logs. In addition to a shrinking timber supply, the industry also laments other high operating costs in B.C.: property taxes, the PST and rising electricity costs.

“In terms of increasing costs, BC has gone from probably the most competitive region in North America to one of the least competitive regions,” said Rodger Hutchinson, West Fraser Timber’s vice-president of investor relations.

The one advantage Canadian sawmills have over American mills is the low Canadian dollar. It’s been particularly beneficial for Canadian pulp mill owners like Canfor.

BC is still a major player in the pulp and paper industry, said Stewart Muir, executive director for Resource Works. In 2014, B.C. producers shipped $4.3 billion worth of pulp and paper compared with $8.2 billion in wood products (lumber, logs, plywood, etc.).

Pulp prices, which fell below US$700 per tonne in October 2012, have been steadily rising and now sit at a 14-year high of US$1,060 per tonne. A 20% difference on the Canadian dollar is a bonus for Canadian pulp producers like Canfor.

“For the Canadian side of production, it has the impact of being $1,200 Canadian,” Muir said. “So that’s a significant increase in income and profitability here.”

Despite a decade-long slump, and despite the investment BC companies have been making in the US, forestry products remain B.C.’s top export, generating $15.7 billion in revenue in 2013, according to a January economic impact study of the B.C. forest industry. The sector accounts for 63,000 direct jobs and another 82,800 indirect jobs in BC.

Forestry will remain an important part of the BC economy, according to Council of Forest Industries CEO James Gorman, but it will contract as more mills close, due to the shrinking timber supply.

Source: Business in Vancouver

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Thanks to FICA Sponsors

We would like to thank all of the organisations who support FICA, which in turn works to promote business growth and improved safety and efficiency amongst forestry contractors for the benefit of New Zealand's Forestry Industry.


Sweeney Townsend & Associates (INSURANCE SERVICES)

Gough CAT
Cableprice NZ Ltd
Mini-Tankers (Z Energy)
Komatsu Forest NZ
Shaw's Wire Ropes
GE Capital
Woodsman Pro
Blackwoods Protector
John Deere

Timbersaws (Levin Sawmakers)
Total Lubricants
Active Equipment

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Buy and Sell

... and finally ... Time for a joke ... or two

"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment.

"I'm a naval surgeon," he replied.

"Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days."


A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?"

Sarcastically the guy sneers, "Maybe. How'd you guess?"

She replies, "Because you're ugly."


While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.

I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel.
I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.

"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.


A nose and a spark plug walked into a bar and the bartender told them to leave.

When the nose asked why, he said "Well, you're off your face and he's looked like he's going to start something".


During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Care Home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Have a safe and prosperous week.

John Stulen

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